I WISH I WAS MORE CONSCIOUS IN WHAT I WAS
CREATING IN MY BODY
3 ½ month postpartum with baby #5 and I was experiencing unusual symptoms. I did what I always did, treat and healed myself with over the counter meds, thinking it will go away like always in the past.
Just 7 days before my 35th birthday, I wasn’t feeling my greatest; my symptoms weren’t getting better and I felt something funny at the side of my stomach. I became more worried and ask my husband to take me to the hospital. While there and waiting for my blood tests results…I started the conversation with my husband and said “What if the results came back and it says I have stomach cancer…what would we do?” I remember my husband clearly saying that it isn’t that…there just might be something that you need to do to help you feel better.
After what seems like forever, the test results came back and it was the result of a large mass in my stomach. The tears of Who, How, When, Where and What pooled up in my eyes as I looked at my husband. With this confirmation, became the start of the Cancer Journey of fighting for my precious life. My Husband and I were on a limbo of choosing or not choosing Chemotherapy to save me.
A couple days later, I was consulting a friend and she conveyed with me a powerful quote: “Life Is A Journey Not A Race.” And this struck me from deep inside; I began to sob to myself as my life flashed before me of how everything WAS AND BECAMED a Race to an unknown finish line. All I have ever done was to do and learn things so quickly and get them done so fast to become so successful! “But successful to What???,” I thought. Dark Clouds started to hang over my head drowning me in deep emotional depression.
Being bedridden from Chemotherapy, I overheard my husband conversing with his sibling about my past (and about his future steps if I wasn’t going to survive), of how much stress and how much traumatizing expectations I had endured from his parents as a Hmong daughter-in-law. Hearing this, I had a huge realization that the rat race I was participating in was just an escape of not listening to my body’s cries from the wounds I was carrying inside of me and from what was being created by them.
What hurt me the most was not because the cancer made me not able to be a mom to my kids or because I was facing death soon, it was because I became so unconscious that I was my own murderer to Self-Love and to Victimizing Myself. The pains, hurts, trauma, emotional baggages, mental battles, etc. that I “thought” I took care of, WERE NOT even healed and released properly. They all became the captive of the tumor that was growing inside of me. This realization made me so consciously aware that I had forgotten to love myself, I had forgotten who I was, that I needed to live in the moments and not of the past or future, and that it isn’t too late to find myself again.
This became the beginning of the fight for my life. The beginning of the how and where to my spiritual healing journey from the inside out.
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